Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
