Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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