i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dick very happy bro
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
