i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
