Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Randomize
