I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
