Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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