I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
