I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
