my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
