i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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