you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
