Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
