when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
