So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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