i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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