God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
