He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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