I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
