I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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