i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
