I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Are my feet made of real feet?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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