Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
