so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Pants are for mortals
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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