I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
