WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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