I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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