Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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