god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
