Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
