Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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