Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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