After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
