Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
