I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
