when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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