i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
