I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
