there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
