Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
