All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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