Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
