I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
