I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
