Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
