i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
