yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
