I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
