I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
