i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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