oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
